just a mote of a speckle

in this vast universe of everything, really all we are is one tiny ion each. Yet each of us sees ourselves as the center of the universe. However at any given time our little ion could flicker out, and the universe would continue without missing a skip.
Have you ever thought about or considered taking your entire 90 day stash of klonopin, ambien, lortabs, fioricet, xanax, hubby's ambien or maybe just enough to suppress your respers but not enough to make your body reject the contents?
Or driving home, and veering into a telephone pole, at 75 mph?
Would the universe stop? Sure a few other ions would flicker in sadness, but they would go on. I know this from losing someone earlier this year. I still flicker in sadness, but at the same time I function. I laugh, live, cry, joke, eat, sleep, play, and everything I did before.

Went to the Dr today after a hellacious night of work, and we are now trying a new anti-depressant which hopefully will promote a healthy and happy sense of well-being than the other 4 we have tried. But I wonder sometimes, if I am not living the life I want, why? I love my children. But do I serve them a good purpose being here? I'm at work more than I am here, and when I am home I am so tired I suck as a mom. I suck at financial affairs, and so we are always in debt, which should not be, but I have the gambling problem which intensifies everything. couldn't I potentially offer them more by putting out my light, and letting them have better opportunities, rather than letting them grow up like I did, with a crappy mom who is self absorbed and a manic depressive without the manic spells. And it can't be normal for a grown woman to have the feelings that I have for a man who I really don't know, all I know is the public persona he chooses to show his colleagues and his dr side he shows his patients. I know he is a good man, but that's it. Yet I harbor these crazily intense feelings for him, and he is on my mind about 22/7. I can't help it. or control it. I hate it. I want it to stop. Make it stop