melancholia

so i've got my ipod on listening to the cure and all these love sad songs from grey's anatomy and stuff, and moping. Moping because I am poor and i can't go to the casino or pay my bills, and I miss my Dr. And I keep having all these fantasies. I imagine that I'm a M1 and I start having a casual relationship with a resident or M3 down in Tulsa and he finds out and gets jealous and I explain it means nothing, and that i have no intentions of divorcing the hubby, besides I've been in love with someone for a long time... and then it comes out and then we both realize we both have been for a long time. Then of course we somehow have a wonderful illicit affair forever without breaking up marriages or hurting anyone.. AND work together when I graduate! because it's too late for roses and wedding bells and shit. besides my name would be too damn funny.... i'd be expected to have very posh fashion sense and coiffed hair, and be a major lady. not me.. heh.

I've been listening to a lot of irish punk lately. i really like the dropkick murphy's, they did some of the shit for the departed... and man what more can you ask than Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg, real Boston Boys and Leo pretending to be one, and all naughty and nice and cocky boston motherfuckers. that's the me loving the bad boy part. hellooo SJP heh. i do have a thing for the short, cocky swaggering motherfuckers. That's why this Dr thing is funny because it's NOT him at all, he's lighthaired, green eyed, tall, thin, and NICE! a Nice guy.. so not my thing.

must be the brains. otherwise i dunno. but what the fuck do i know anyways

open up and say ahhhhh

So we are being "open" and verbal in our marriage now and sharing our feelings. Well shit man the year can't get any worse right. So basically without lying, I was able to tell him how I "feel" about my Dr, and that i can't stop thinking about him. He said it's only natural for me to fixate on something like that after the year I have had, and he knows it's not real. I said oh of course not honey. heh
So it felt better to say it openly. But it did not stop my constant thinking about him. I miss him, I have not seen him since last Saturday. that's too long. Not this just past saturday but the one before. I lost 5 lbs since then also and a pants size. Good thing he wants to see my daughter because she's due, so there's my excuse *vbg*

I worked today days, but tomorrow is night, 2 in a row then I have the day off. We are shit ass poor again even though I had a motherfucking kick ass paycheck, because we spent the entire fucking thing at the casino. WTF is our problem.

anyways I just wanted to say
I love him I love him I love him I love him


finite

Migraines are a bitch

i woke up with one. it had kicked my ass before i even got to work to be the unit sexretary. and i was on my gas light. fuck. but the good part was i did NOT have to be a nurse and look at patients!!. I dimmed the lights and sipped water and held back my vomit and entered orders as fast as i could, avoiding the smells of food. And then He came. And I went over to sit by him and asked him to kill me please. He looked at me and could tell I had a migraine. Told me to go get my VS while he saw his patient. BP sucked again, Low and high HR. He rxed me prednisone since that helps and gave me the next 2 days off. God love the man. So I entered orders as fast as I can and then left at 5. I don't think the infatuation will ever depart. at least DH knows about it now and we were all honest and talked yesterday. He knows its a big part of what is always on my mind. Im waiting to see if the neice will come take me to the casino or not, or if the boyfriend will win out. If FedEx doesnt come tomorrow with a check im going to sedate myself for 24 hours and cry. Loud. He wore his sage green shirt today... I was in my sage green scrubs.

just a mote of a speckle

in this vast universe of everything, really all we are is one tiny ion each. Yet each of us sees ourselves as the center of the universe. However at any given time our little ion could flicker out, and the universe would continue without missing a skip.
Have you ever thought about or considered taking your entire 90 day stash of klonopin, ambien, lortabs, fioricet, xanax, hubby's ambien or maybe just enough to suppress your respers but not enough to make your body reject the contents?
Or driving home, and veering into a telephone pole, at 75 mph?
Would the universe stop? Sure a few other ions would flicker in sadness, but they would go on. I know this from losing someone earlier this year. I still flicker in sadness, but at the same time I function. I laugh, live, cry, joke, eat, sleep, play, and everything I did before.

Went to the Dr today after a hellacious night of work, and we are now trying a new anti-depressant which hopefully will promote a healthy and happy sense of well-being than the other 4 we have tried. But I wonder sometimes, if I am not living the life I want, why? I love my children. But do I serve them a good purpose being here? I'm at work more than I am here, and when I am home I am so tired I suck as a mom. I suck at financial affairs, and so we are always in debt, which should not be, but I have the gambling problem which intensifies everything. couldn't I potentially offer them more by putting out my light, and letting them have better opportunities, rather than letting them grow up like I did, with a crappy mom who is self absorbed and a manic depressive without the manic spells. And it can't be normal for a grown woman to have the feelings that I have for a man who I really don't know, all I know is the public persona he chooses to show his colleagues and his dr side he shows his patients. I know he is a good man, but that's it. Yet I harbor these crazily intense feelings for him, and he is on my mind about 22/7. I can't help it. or control it. I hate it. I want it to stop. Make it stop

random jots

so i'm working, nightshift, which means that i'm sitting here playing laptop because there is 2 nurses and one patient. my favorite way to do it. of course i pay penance later this week when i do some med surg shifts. anywho, i just feel random. i just finished my 100 calorie chocolate and caramel chex snack bag, it was nummy. i have been reading blogs, some really good ones out there that are funny, not morbidly sad like this one. blognigger is a really good one. we've managed to spend all our money on gambling. that's about all i guess, i'm not a very funny person.

poor old man i sat with

ooh i forgot to say, that the next time i worked, one of my friends who is a tech worked and had to sit with that man, and he passed away while she was with him. it was for the best, but when i read his obit, it was sad to see how he ended up. he was in wars, and had a very interesting life. remember, always respect your elders, they have lived very colorful lives, and were once young and exciting people

biggest grin I've ever seen

So I am pretending I am a secretary for the day, and totally unexpected I hear him... nice hair... and i look up, shocked, because he shouldn't be there. I mean he is not on a hospitalist shift, they are not til later in the month, and I arranged it so Id be there for them out on those med surg floors, still trying to swing the other 2 days actually. and theres no other reason for him to be there.... and i look up and he's smiling as he reaches over me to grab the board, and i say.. what are you doing here... seeing a patient... you don't do that anymore i say, i do sometimes if they are special he says. Oh i say.. so if i have to come to the hospital you will come see me? he smiles and says of course. he goes to see pt, and then as hes walking back out to leave, i ask.. did you get my text? about me prescribing myself the wrong medicine? he says yes. he comes to the desk closer to me. i said technically they are the same meds, ones just purer. he says your right. i say so.. he says just stick with it. I say okay. i said ive increased the dosage, how much can i go up. he says well you can go to 40. do you want to? i said yeah. he said ok ill have them call it in, where to? walmart.. which one? 7th street. ok he says. i say.. if this doesnt help , i might need to talk to someone. he gives me the biggest grin i have ever seen, his eyes boring straight into my soul, holding me there for almost a minute, and my heart forgets to beat. then he nods and turns and walks off. an unexpected visitation, that made me fly. the grin was the biggest grin anyone has ever given me, and the way he stared at me leapt straight into my soul. just reliving it makes my heart rate accelerate.

also when i took mini-me to see him , he waited until the end of the appt, and as hes out the door, where he cant even see me anymore... instead of doing what everyone else has been doing.. asking what happened to your arm.. or where did that bruise come from... he says to me, so i have no chance to respond... "so you're falling down stairs and banging into walls now.. huh". not a question but a statement. like he just wanted me to know that he noticed the bruise, but didn't want to ask me about it so i wouldn't lie to him.

counseled

I was counseled.. by my director... because another nurse, who i thought was my trusted friend was "worried" that our relationship was more than just friends.

Nice.

So not cool.

I hope he doesn't hear any of that shit. That's the last time I ever share any information or trust another human, so much for friendship. Everyone is just out to screw you over. Anonymous blogs are much more trustworthy.

I'm sitting here because our unit is closed, listening to an old man gurgle and drown on his mucous. It is driving me nuts and I want to yell cough it the fuck up already. Except we have suctioned him already 3 times with only once being any effect at all. He shouldn't even be here. He's circling the drain. Why Dr. P is bothering is beyond me. Send him back to the nursing home, make him comfy and be done with it for God's sake.

This is why I do peds now, I remember it.

Only one more hour. I made it eleven hours. I was going to go to the casino, but noooo had to be my damn turn to float. fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

I wish I had at least one reader heh.

It feels lonely in cyber space without anyone reading my guts and soul. But it is cathartic to bleed it all out.

10 Things I hate about 2008

10) going too damn fast
9) my house is still messy
8) Clinton losing
7) money issues
6) parents being fucktards
5) nephew being overseas
4) feeling pressured to make a decision about school
3) still depressed
2) losing Mom
and 1) everything feels like it's collapsing


In Nov, i'm sure the damn GOP will prevail, and I'll want to be a Canadian. You can buy Tylenol #3's otc there too. and universal healthcare, no military.... sounds superior anyhow.

they should just move it south.. right above Florida.

50 minutes.. I think even though DH is home I may go to the casino as he will not wake up for awhile. Risky yes.

I am babbling. I'm just so effing bored.

he walks outside his house barefoot, in shorts. I have this thing about men who wear sandals or go barefoot. I just think it is so sexy. He was playing with his puppy. It was very adorable.
I am waiting right now for the damn money to get deposited so I can go to the casino.
Freaking slow bank.
I had kind of a vacation this week, I called in 3 times I think, and then even went on a mini vacay and stayed in a hotel even.

So unlike me.

I didn't see him all week. I have learned to equate the gambling with the absence of seeing him. That's bad. I can't afford it lol.

I'm going to have him UP my lexapro when I see him. ok i am wordless tonight, all i can think of is gambling, sorry

My ugly :(

sorry for the boob shot. that's one nasty ass bruise eh?

heartsick

how can i be so heartsick when all i know is a fraction of a man? i'm tired of this. i can't stand the pining, and missing him so much, and the way i feel so down and joyless when i'm not going to see him, and when I am my heart accelerates and i feel giddy. i'm having a hard time caring about things. DH and i are having a hard time together, nothing new. His pills had been working pretty good, but he got angry last night over laundry not being done and ended up hitting me with his belt across my foot and arm and leaving some bruises. Some mandated reporter i am haha. I took out almost my entire closet of clothes and sacked them up to get rid of them, none of them fit, i had to go to the thrift stores and get 4 sizes smaller, because I've gone down so much weight. And DH threatened me to turn me in for an eating disorder and have me locked up, even though I am eating, just not massive unhealthy portions like him, I actually follow the dietary guidelines, although my calories are a little low, but that wasn't on purpose, i did not even know until i counted for a week so i could tell Doc before DH could. I'm about 300 a day lower than low. 900 is my average. But i've been losing since August, so Doc said he isn't worried. so fuck you DH. Wouldn't you know, in moments of arguing, that fucking bastard still calls me fat cunt on a regular basis. it would serve him right if i did turn anorexic. too bad he doesn't even bother me. i can take whatever he wants to dish out, because sticks and stones...

This week a lot i have been thinking how nice the days when women could go to the sanitariums for "rests" must have been though. I'm so fucking tapped out. I feel like i cant do it anymore. I have no friends. I have his family, his sister is my best friend, and i have co-workers. I just want someone i can pour my heart out to who will listen without doing anything.

I have even thought about taking all my pills and then i realize i dont really want that, if i fucked up it would screw up my nursing career, and i dont want to leave my kids, and theyd just make me vomit and id just be locked up anyways.

i hate myself for obsessing over what Doc is doing every minute, and not being able to stop thinking about him. I hate myself for thinking that I want to meet a man and just have a sexual affair with him , someone Doc knows.. so he knows about it, to see how he would react and to maybe help get my mind off... I hate myself for being such a dumb asshole today that I went and lost 400$ fucking dollars at the casino and I have no way to explain it and DH is going to fucking kill me when he comes home. And now I don't have a goddamn penny to my name. All we have is what DH has on him 60$. for two weeks. Why can't I just be an alcoholic instead of a fucking gambler? It's so much cheaper. I mean sometimes I can go and just spend some and have fun, but when I am down, its a sickness and I cannot control it no matter how bad i want to.

that's about it.. a little cathartic, even though noone is out there reading this.. I can pretend

i made eye contact. he had a medical student who made me get on the damn table, and so he pulled his little stoolie over and sat by me. and i did, i kept looking into his eyes. we pretty much just went over my list id wrote. he didn't get very involved in talking about personal stress/anxiety maybe because the M1 was in there too. He didn't want to talk too much about the details with the ED drugs either.... i guess it was TMI the freqency. I was like ok, but how often is safe, and he just didn't want to talk about it much, but did say the pills could be halved and taken daily.

he was going to adjust my neck and align me, which ive never done before, but we got too much talking, and then we all forgot, so i had to go back in and ask the desk what he wanted me to do, and he told them to have me make an appt whenever i wanted to.

so i got to see him, but i got no resolution or answers.

I am weak

I'm weak.
I canceled my neurology appointment. Well mainly because it's a 30$ co-pay. And I scheduled with His office for tomorrow am when I get off work. So I'll be seeing him, as the patient, no DH, or sis in laws, just me. And my problems. And we can see why he has been ignoring me. I'm afraid.
What a long mo-fo'in night this is going to be boys and girls. I get my bratty patient back tonight, No girl.
He'd better not be rushed. I need some time with him. I need talking time. I'm going to work really hard on the eye contact thing. I have a really hard time making eye contact with him, because I never want him to see my pupils dilate. I'm sleepy, I should finish my nap, but I feel like I need to be getting shit ready for tomorrow and making sure I have all my beauty products. And take my shower. Have some sexay scrubs.

Wish me luck faux readers.

clarifying

Let's clarify some shit ok. there has never been anything inappropriate between the man i write about now, my physician and myself.
yes i had an affair.. actually two. over 6 years ago. one never consummated. one was a mind fuck. An emotional screw with my head, he was in love with me, we were both married with kids, and it was a mess... there was intense kissing, flirting... etc. He was DHs best friend.
The other one was just down and out raunchy consummation. DH couldn't seal the deal very well, had not been able to for a few years, and I'm a girl who likes it , and when it gets to be a chore it's a damn chore. I just wanted some good old fashioned hard fucking. Plus I have that sickness syndrome where I like mysterious, different guys. *shrugs*
There was a little foray into some bi.. threewayish. It was just sex. No feelings. No love. Not really cheating in my book. The cheating was before, when I thought I had feelings for his friend, even though we never slept together, the emotions, that's cheating.

This... I can't explain this. for the first time it's a man who is intelligent, and has the same type interests, is caring, has a similar sense of humor, doesn't mind hospital talk, or get confused, actually can teach me things i don't already know and explain them, respects my opinion on things, still has that kind of where you can see how he obviously was not one of the cool kids growing up, but was instead a tall gangly geek if you may. even before i knew what was happening, i really enjoyed when i saw him and talked to him. DH and i have nothing in common. I'm a hardcore liberal, euro loving, non conformist, and he's a red blooded blue collar american.

that's my story for this early a.m... 6 more hrs til shift change

night shifting it

I'm worried people. (fictitious though you may be) He doesn't respond. I texted him. And there was a crackle over the deadened air waves. I think he wants me to vanish, and never wants to hear from me again. I knew everyone was wrong. I can't eat. I only sleep because I have sleep medicine. My concentration is shit. I feel all weepy and lovesick and depressed and this is ridiculous. Because Hell-Fucking-O... I'm married. And um yeah so's he. And he's never done anything to indicate anything like that to me. SO wtf is wrong with me? Psychosis? I mean the whole incident that occurred before was a two party thing. A he and I thing. One of those where if I tried to back away, he'd pursue because he wanted me paying attention to him. Polock bastard. This is nothing like that, and now I have gone over the line by trying to make too much contact. And.... school... I'm still in the damn air about school. I need to get shit done. Since February my life is like frozen. I feel like I keep trying to break the surface for air, but all these bodies are clinging to me, and I have to stop and hold them up. I mean DH has never been sick besides a cold in his life. Then all the sudden there's all the shit with that and he has rx's. And now cardiac disease with her, and I feel so goddamned responsible, I promised Mom. But what about me? I feel like a scummy lazy scurge if I get a migraine and have to call in. I've been working so much I don't know much about my house besides my bedroom, which means I am a fucking shitty mom. I really am a bad person. the thoughts to have like this a mom shouldn't have. DH is right, i'm a selfish cunt who only cares about herself. Now that I've lost weight and become a nurse, I've ruined the family.

sunday night

so you have to look up into the eyes of the man you fantasize about and tell him you haven't had any in two months. Awkward? you fucking betcha. And then elaborate even more about how for the past half a decade or so it's been bad anyways, but only when it's with you... the DH can whack it just fine without you thanks.
I think he looked at my cleavage y'all. I told him i thought it was my fault for being overweight and unattractive, and he did a span look of me and said no, but it was out of politeness. So now he knows men need ED drugs to fuck me. Then he told me a semi-dirty thing. I wish I could read him better.

DH wants to go on vacation.. camping. Wheee. I'm such a camper, not. We were going to camp near a casino.. that would have been right up my alley. But that got vetoed. So after multiple threats to many things I care about from my dog to my arms to my dr, i guess im camping with bugs.

ED drugs are nice though. They can only have so many per month.

Now reading this, don't get me wrong. Do I want to have an affair? Nah. I mean there are serious professional careers on the line, and morals. Not mine, mind you, but I would bet money my healthcare provider has them to the point that an A list celebrity could come after him and he'd refuse. And I don't think my healthcare provider has any interest in me in that way. Period.
Zilch-o
Plus I do not have the physical confidence. And I'd hate to do something he'd regret and make him feel bad. yadda yadda. I'm all about the mental thing. I like to yearn people. It's a sickness. I like to want things I can't have. Things that I could never ever possibly have. And my dr? He's something I could NEVER have. Sooo it's safe. I get to feel all ushy gushy and mushy and lovey and girly and I know I won't get in trouble. Sure this has backfired a few times. But with it backfiring.. I wanted it, so if it does, who cares. It's win-win. hah.

I do need to back away a little though, so as not to be annoying. It's just I miss him so much when I don't see him or talk to him. I'm trying to think.. and only twice before was there the feelings this strong. Back in the summer of 6th grade with that boy I still talk to sometimes, but we've grown older now ( insert Last Dance by the Cure), and That damn Polock/French man. The fact my tiny pea brain has just made the Irish connections here doesn't help. Thank God it's not black Irish like Dempsey or Tucker or I'd be certifiable. I'm so damn fucked if anyone ever finds this, I think I'm going to make up a faux e-mail right now and switch this over.

06/05/08 0200

I saw him people. Sat next to him. Stared into his eyes. Held a long conversation with him. I mean literally, maybe I was 4-6 inches away from him. The pt sat across the room, lol. We got really bad news before he came in, and I just wanted to lay my head on his chest and cry. Seeing him helped me be WAY nicer to DH too. We even tried to have sex. I kept my eyes closed the entire time and thought about Him, and I'm pretty sure DH knew I was because he teased me about it.

It still didn't work all the way. DH wants to go see Him tomorrow for his foot, so now I get to go back again... wait do you hear singing? Oh that's just MY FUCKING HEART.

And I have to bring up the failed sex thing with him... heh. Awkward.

Then when I got home I had an anxiety attack which got followed my a kamikaze migraine, and i mean like a fucking slam you in the head migraine, not a nice little aura.. ooh i might get a migraine. Second one two days. Fuck man. I had to call in, and I never ever fucking call in.

I can't sleep because I feel like it's Christmas. I know I need to get up early to call and make the appointment. and get some sleep. I just took my pill.

I have this damn trembling and palpitations thing which he told me is still from the medicine, I have not been off it long enough yet, but when I was in the waiting room, that was intensified like 1,000 times. My legs and arms and hands were shaking so bad, and my heart was in my throat. I don't want anything to happen, I mean that could be career bad... marriages bad. But god I want to know if there's anything.. even [ ] much. Because otherwise that means I'm psycho. And that's scary and I need to seek more medication lol. I mean he trusts me as a colleague and I have this whole thing going on, and it makes me feel weird, I mean how do you know if a man is interested in you?

Today his body language worried me because he crossed his legs the other way, and then I thought Jesus am I overanalyzing? I mean I get a lot of mixedy signals , and while I know he is the kind of man that wouldn't be THAT kind of man, because he's a really really good guy, that doesn't mean he might not have some kind of feelings even if he'd never act on them yanno? Or am I a nutcase? And he's always been the exact same with me that he is with everyone else?

I should worry about starvation and world vaccinations. Instead ...... I just well grrrr, now my pill kicks in and im tired

06/03/08 10:23 pm

Work was long today. Too many damn 12 hour shifts. I'm a nut. It wasn't so horrible because I got to see His partner/friend.. and that always makes me feel closer , plus I really like Dr. BlahBlah too, he's coooool.

I'm vegging now at home, trying to fix my ipod, and typing this. My heart is racing and I feel like it's in my throat, and my hands are shaking like they are sitting on the handlebar of a harley.. so apparently the medicine medicine wasn't the problem. Which isn't good because now that I've stopped it, I feel panicky.

BUT... tomorrow I have to go see Him.!.!

Tonight will be like fricking Christmas Eve people.

Mmm Law and Order SVU is on, and Christopher Meloni? Yummy.

So basically I've turned into this mushy lovesick woebegone puddle of feelings (yuck). Which is NOT me. I don't feel. And it happened before I lost my mom, so I can't blame that. I am trying to be as vague as possible here because I need to get this out, but not to anyone I know. I just wish I could .. I don't know.

It's tres complicate'

more explained in vaguer terms later

mon 06/06 8:43

Back when I was a teen angst ridden thirteen year old, the internet had not yet become something you could carry around on a cell phone or laptop ( unheard of then) People didn't even have them in their homes, I was still marveling about my brandy new Super Nintendo.

Sooooo.. instead of being able to type things out anonymously across the internet, I had an entire collection of those little black and white composition books which I would write everything in , an ode to masterful free writing, addressing my entries to a fictitious companion called Lydia. ( Ok, fine I had a HUGE Heathers thing, and Winona writing to her Diary caught me) But that's off the subject. I was able to write whatever I wanted in these books, all my horrible unfathomable feelings, that noone else in the world had ever endured before me. All the unshed tears and unexpressed feelings for , ohhh let's call him.... Tommy.. heh. Because I was not your average teenager. I was far too mature ( holds back of hand to forehead faintly). I loved with an intense passion. I kept said love for many many years, like a locket around my neck, because I was special, there was no other person like me, I was far too mature and advanced to be like any other girl my age.

But anyways pieces might come out from time to time, but this blog was drawn out because frankly there are things I want to say, that because of family and where I work, and the fact that the only friends I have are work friends or family friends, I can't say, so I'll say it here.

And I keep having these funky dreams, and I want to write them down. So I'm going to. So some of this is going to be totally untrue. I will italicize. For clarification. Because even when You are a mother with kids, married, the woman in you never leaves, and sometimes we find people we can't stop thinking about, and sometimes it might not be the best choice of a person.