melancholia

so i've got my ipod on listening to the cure and all these love sad songs from grey's anatomy and stuff, and moping. Moping because I am poor and i can't go to the casino or pay my bills, and I miss my Dr. And I keep having all these fantasies. I imagine that I'm a M1 and I start having a casual relationship with a resident or M3 down in Tulsa and he finds out and gets jealous and I explain it means nothing, and that i have no intentions of divorcing the hubby, besides I've been in love with someone for a long time... and then it comes out and then we both realize we both have been for a long time. Then of course we somehow have a wonderful illicit affair forever without breaking up marriages or hurting anyone.. AND work together when I graduate! because it's too late for roses and wedding bells and shit. besides my name would be too damn funny.... i'd be expected to have very posh fashion sense and coiffed hair, and be a major lady. not me.. heh.

I've been listening to a lot of irish punk lately. i really like the dropkick murphy's, they did some of the shit for the departed... and man what more can you ask than Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg, real Boston Boys and Leo pretending to be one, and all naughty and nice and cocky boston motherfuckers. that's the me loving the bad boy part. hellooo SJP heh. i do have a thing for the short, cocky swaggering motherfuckers. That's why this Dr thing is funny because it's NOT him at all, he's lighthaired, green eyed, tall, thin, and NICE! a Nice guy.. so not my thing.

must be the brains. otherwise i dunno. but what the fuck do i know anyways

open up and say ahhhhh

So we are being "open" and verbal in our marriage now and sharing our feelings. Well shit man the year can't get any worse right. So basically without lying, I was able to tell him how I "feel" about my Dr, and that i can't stop thinking about him. He said it's only natural for me to fixate on something like that after the year I have had, and he knows it's not real. I said oh of course not honey. heh
So it felt better to say it openly. But it did not stop my constant thinking about him. I miss him, I have not seen him since last Saturday. that's too long. Not this just past saturday but the one before. I lost 5 lbs since then also and a pants size. Good thing he wants to see my daughter because she's due, so there's my excuse *vbg*

I worked today days, but tomorrow is night, 2 in a row then I have the day off. We are shit ass poor again even though I had a motherfucking kick ass paycheck, because we spent the entire fucking thing at the casino. WTF is our problem.

anyways I just wanted to say
I love him I love him I love him I love him


finite

Migraines are a bitch

i woke up with one. it had kicked my ass before i even got to work to be the unit sexretary. and i was on my gas light. fuck. but the good part was i did NOT have to be a nurse and look at patients!!. I dimmed the lights and sipped water and held back my vomit and entered orders as fast as i could, avoiding the smells of food. And then He came. And I went over to sit by him and asked him to kill me please. He looked at me and could tell I had a migraine. Told me to go get my VS while he saw his patient. BP sucked again, Low and high HR. He rxed me prednisone since that helps and gave me the next 2 days off. God love the man. So I entered orders as fast as I can and then left at 5. I don't think the infatuation will ever depart. at least DH knows about it now and we were all honest and talked yesterday. He knows its a big part of what is always on my mind. Im waiting to see if the neice will come take me to the casino or not, or if the boyfriend will win out. If FedEx doesnt come tomorrow with a check im going to sedate myself for 24 hours and cry. Loud. He wore his sage green shirt today... I was in my sage green scrubs.

just a mote of a speckle

in this vast universe of everything, really all we are is one tiny ion each. Yet each of us sees ourselves as the center of the universe. However at any given time our little ion could flicker out, and the universe would continue without missing a skip.
Have you ever thought about or considered taking your entire 90 day stash of klonopin, ambien, lortabs, fioricet, xanax, hubby's ambien or maybe just enough to suppress your respers but not enough to make your body reject the contents?
Or driving home, and veering into a telephone pole, at 75 mph?
Would the universe stop? Sure a few other ions would flicker in sadness, but they would go on. I know this from losing someone earlier this year. I still flicker in sadness, but at the same time I function. I laugh, live, cry, joke, eat, sleep, play, and everything I did before.

Went to the Dr today after a hellacious night of work, and we are now trying a new anti-depressant which hopefully will promote a healthy and happy sense of well-being than the other 4 we have tried. But I wonder sometimes, if I am not living the life I want, why? I love my children. But do I serve them a good purpose being here? I'm at work more than I am here, and when I am home I am so tired I suck as a mom. I suck at financial affairs, and so we are always in debt, which should not be, but I have the gambling problem which intensifies everything. couldn't I potentially offer them more by putting out my light, and letting them have better opportunities, rather than letting them grow up like I did, with a crappy mom who is self absorbed and a manic depressive without the manic spells. And it can't be normal for a grown woman to have the feelings that I have for a man who I really don't know, all I know is the public persona he chooses to show his colleagues and his dr side he shows his patients. I know he is a good man, but that's it. Yet I harbor these crazily intense feelings for him, and he is on my mind about 22/7. I can't help it. or control it. I hate it. I want it to stop. Make it stop

random jots

so i'm working, nightshift, which means that i'm sitting here playing laptop because there is 2 nurses and one patient. my favorite way to do it. of course i pay penance later this week when i do some med surg shifts. anywho, i just feel random. i just finished my 100 calorie chocolate and caramel chex snack bag, it was nummy. i have been reading blogs, some really good ones out there that are funny, not morbidly sad like this one. blognigger is a really good one. we've managed to spend all our money on gambling. that's about all i guess, i'm not a very funny person.

poor old man i sat with

ooh i forgot to say, that the next time i worked, one of my friends who is a tech worked and had to sit with that man, and he passed away while she was with him. it was for the best, but when i read his obit, it was sad to see how he ended up. he was in wars, and had a very interesting life. remember, always respect your elders, they have lived very colorful lives, and were once young and exciting people

biggest grin I've ever seen

So I am pretending I am a secretary for the day, and totally unexpected I hear him... nice hair... and i look up, shocked, because he shouldn't be there. I mean he is not on a hospitalist shift, they are not til later in the month, and I arranged it so Id be there for them out on those med surg floors, still trying to swing the other 2 days actually. and theres no other reason for him to be there.... and i look up and he's smiling as he reaches over me to grab the board, and i say.. what are you doing here... seeing a patient... you don't do that anymore i say, i do sometimes if they are special he says. Oh i say.. so if i have to come to the hospital you will come see me? he smiles and says of course. he goes to see pt, and then as hes walking back out to leave, i ask.. did you get my text? about me prescribing myself the wrong medicine? he says yes. he comes to the desk closer to me. i said technically they are the same meds, ones just purer. he says your right. i say so.. he says just stick with it. I say okay. i said ive increased the dosage, how much can i go up. he says well you can go to 40. do you want to? i said yeah. he said ok ill have them call it in, where to? walmart.. which one? 7th street. ok he says. i say.. if this doesnt help , i might need to talk to someone. he gives me the biggest grin i have ever seen, his eyes boring straight into my soul, holding me there for almost a minute, and my heart forgets to beat. then he nods and turns and walks off. an unexpected visitation, that made me fly. the grin was the biggest grin anyone has ever given me, and the way he stared at me leapt straight into my soul. just reliving it makes my heart rate accelerate.

also when i took mini-me to see him , he waited until the end of the appt, and as hes out the door, where he cant even see me anymore... instead of doing what everyone else has been doing.. asking what happened to your arm.. or where did that bruise come from... he says to me, so i have no chance to respond... "so you're falling down stairs and banging into walls now.. huh". not a question but a statement. like he just wanted me to know that he noticed the bruise, but didn't want to ask me about it so i wouldn't lie to him.